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Grief can happen to anyone, at any stage of cancer, not just when a loved one dies. You can experience grief as a series of losses – loss of hair, loss of work, loss of confidence. These too can be valid grief responses. While grief may never fully leave us, understanding the process and finding support can help you develop ways to cope with your feelings.
Our team is here to listen and support you.
Some people can experience exhaustion from grief, seeking support early may help you ensure any fatigue from grief does not escalate. You don’t have to go through grief alone. Call our Cancer support line 13 11 20 to learn about our cancer grief counselling or other support services. For 24-hour crisis support, call Lifeline 13 11 14 or visit lifeline.org.au. Griefline also has resources available and a telephone support line call 1300 845 745 or visit griefline.org.au
Grief is a deeply personal experience. Everyone responds to the death of someone close to them in their own way and in their own time.
The way you grieve can be affected by a number of things, including:
It is not uncommon for grief to be influenced by the person’s cancer experience and the way the disease progressed. You may find that you focus on memories of the physical changes and deterioration experienced by the person who died. Or you may wonder if the person could have received different treatment or care.
It is common for family members and friends grieving for the same person to deal with their grief in different ways and for different lengths of time. It is important to respect how others are grieving. This can be an opportunity to support and comfort each other and understand other ways of grieving.
Coping with grief doesn’t mean getting over the person’s death. It’s about finding ways to live with the loss. Grief can take many different forms, both in the time leading up to a loss and in the period that follows.
Grief is not just something that happens after someone dies. When someone is ill for some time and the death is expected, their family and friends may begin to grieve their death before it happens. This is known as anticipatory or pre-loss grief. It does not make grief after the death any easier or shorter, and the death can still feel like a great shock.
If the death was very sudden, or in traumatic circumstances, you may feel that things were left unfinished or unsaid. You may also be managing symptoms of shock and disbelief. Some people are traumatised due to experiences during the illness and death of a significant person. Fatigue from grief, and other challenging physical and emotional symptoms caused by trauma, can complicate grief for affected people.
Grief may be complicated if you have conflicted feelings about the death. This may be because you’ve had difficulties, in the past or in the present, with the person who died. Relationships can often be complex and challenging, while still being caring. If other people didn’t know about or understand your relationship with the person who died, you may feel very alone in your grief.
The person who is dying may experience preparatory grief as they process the fact that their life will end soon. They may have a range of feelings about what is happening to them, including anger. Some may also see it as an opportunity to organise paperwork or prepare keepsakes such as a memory box, letters or a recording ahead of their death.
Grief is much more than sadness – it can touch every part of your life, influencing your emotions, thoughts, physical health, behaviours, beliefs, and relationships. These effects can sometimes feel overwhelming. The tips below may be useful as you try to come to terms with different aspects of your loss.
If grief and exhaustion are impacting your life, call our Cancer support line 13 11 20 to learn about our cancer grief counselling or other support services.
You may feel a range of strong emotions, such as sadness, anger, relief, guilt or anxiety. Exhaustion and grief can sometimes leave people overwhelmed by the strength of their feelings and they may find that their mood changes quickly and often. These are common ways of coping with loss.
Some of the emotions you may experience after a loss are:
When someone dies, you may feel nothing at first. This may be because you can’t believe it’s true, you’re still in shock or you’re protecting yourself from the enormity of what’s just happened. For most people, it will start to change in a few days or weeks, although it may return from time to time. The reality of your loss may be more deeply felt as time passes.
You may feel like the sadness will never go away. This is a normal and important part of the grieving process.
When the reality of the loss sinks in, you may find your sadness overwhelming or feel like your life has lost meaning. If you have continued feelings of sadness, an overwhelming exhaustion from grief, or have lost motivation to do things that previously gave you pleasure, you may be experiencing depression. For information about coping with depression, call Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636 or visit beyondblue.org.au. For 24-hour crisis support, call Lifeline 13 11 14 or visit lifeline.org.au.
Many people feel anger when they are grieving. You may find anger comes and goes. Finding ways to express your anger can help. This may include talking with a trusted friend or counsellor, doing physical activities such as gardening or exercise, listening to or playing music, getting creative, or joining a support group.
You may be surprised to feel relief that the person has died and then guilt for feeling this way. It is normal to experience a range of emotions, including relief, as you learn to live with the loss.
You may feel guilt or regret for various reasons, such as the way you behaved to the person in the past, things you did or didn’t do, decisions you made about their care, things you left unsaid or even when you experience moments of happiness after their passing. It is normal to experience a range of emotions as you learn to live with the loss.
People often become very fearful when they have a major loss in their life. If you find that your fear or worry is affecting your ability to do your usual roles and routines, or is causing you enduring and severe distress, it might be worth seeking support.
Exhaustion from grief often makes thinking clearly, focusing and concentrating difficult. Even simple tasks can seem hard. You may feel very indecisive, or you may make impulsive decisions. Some people may even wonder if they are losing their mind. Be kind to yourself. How you are feeling is understandable given that you have experienced the death of someone important to you.
When navigating your emotions after a loss, consider drawing on the coping strategies that have helped you through challenging times in the past. Reflecting on how you’ve managed previous difficulties may give you a sense of confidence in facing your current emotions. However, it’s also possible that your usual methods may not feel as effective this time, and you may need to explore new ways to cope.
Sharing how you’re feeling with trusted family and friends can also be incredibly helpful. Opening up can give them insight into your experience and allow them to offer the understanding and support you need.
Some other coping strategies you might find effective are:
Try to eat a healthy, balanced diet. If you have lost your appetite and are barely eating, try to snack on nourishing, easily digested foods. Avoid eating unhealthy foods or eating large amounts of food for comfort. A poor diet can affect your mood.
Try to make movement a part of your daily routine. Regular physical activity can help with feelings of grief and exhaustion, anger, stress, anxiety and depression.
You may find some benefit by engaging in complementary therapies that focus on mind-body connection. These therapies can help reduce stress, anxiety and fatigue, and improve quality of life.
Grief isn’t just an emotional experience; it affects your body too. The shock of loss, even when expected, triggers the release of adrenaline and other stress chemicals, which can heighten anxiety and make it difficult to calm racing thoughts. Physical symptoms of grief may include exhaustion from grief, fatigue, headaches, nausea, unexplained aches and pains, changes in appetite, or a tightness in your chest or stomach. It can also weaken your immune system, leaving you more vulnerable to colds or other illnesses.
The physical effects of grief on your body can affect your ability to manage your emotions and think clearly. Talk to your doctor about any physical issues that are worrying you or making it harder to cope.
Physical symptoms you may expect are:
It’s common for grief to change sleep patterns, from sleeping a lot to sleeping a little. You may find it hard to get up in the morning, fall asleep or stay asleep, or you may have long periods of being awake during the night. If you’ve been caring for someone, you may have had to be alert during the night in case they needed help. It can take time to adjust to sleeping more soundly again. You may have dreams or nightmares in which you see the person who has died.
Exhaustion and grief go hand in hand. Don’t be surprised if you have no energy and feel constantly tired. Adjusting to any major change is exhausting, and too little or too much sleep can make you feel even more tired.
It is common to have either little appetite or an increased appetite after a loss. Some people also experience an upset stomach, which may last for some time or come and go. Changes to your appetite or weight can make you feel distressed. Please know that you can talk to your GP or counsellor about your concerns.
Prioritising rest, listening to your body, and allowing yourself the time and space to recover without guilt will help you manage grief and exhaustion. You can also try:
Grief can affect your behaviour in many ways, and it’s natural to respond differently while coping with loss. You might find yourself keeping busy, sleeping more than usual, or struggling to complete even simple tasks. Avoiding reminders of your loved one is also common, as these can bring up intense emotions. These behaviours are all normal but may make it challenging to establish a routine.
Some people may turn to smoking, alcohol, or other substances to cope. If you or those around you are concerned about your use of alcohol or other drugs, reaching out to your GP can provide valuable support and guidance.
Grief can challenge your spiritual beliefs, leading you to question the meaning of the loss and what happens after death. While some find comfort and strength in their faith and community, others may feel abandoned or betrayed. If faith has been important to you, this can feel especially unsettling during the grieving process. Whatever your beliefs, it can be helpful to explore questions about life and death with someone you trust, such as a spiritual care practitioner, family member, friend or counsellor.
Grief affects how you interact with the world, your identity, and the roles you have within your family or social circle. You may find that your friendships and family relationships change. It is not uncommon to experience any of the following:
We also offer emotional support services for anyone diagnosed with cancer, their family, friends or carers. If you’d like to learn more about what emotional support is available to you, please call our Cancer Council Queensland support line 13 11 20.
Grief is a natural response to any loss. The process of grieving is one of adjusting to the loss. There is no set time frame or pattern for learning to live without someone. Grief may never go away completely. With support and understanding, you will find a way to cope.
You might think that you’ll be back to normal after just a few weeks or months, and others might expect this of you too. Try to be patient with yourself. Grief is very individual – there is no set time frame or stages. Allowing yourself to grieve is the best way to heal.
It can be hard to know how to help someone who is grieving. You may become lost for words or feel hesitant about offering practical assistance. Simply making the offer can let the person know they are not alone. If you need to support grieving children, it may help to know they often react to death in a different way to adults. Provide help in the way you think is right for the relationship you have with the person. Sometimes this might be with a caring smile or offering a hug, other times it might be taking the time to listen.
