Partner, family & friends

If you are providing ongoing and unpaid care and support to someone because of an illness, ageing or disability, you’re a ‘carer.’ Sometimes, you find yourself in the role unexpectedly and without warning, as is often the case when someone you love is diagnosed with cancer.

If someone you love is going through cancer, it’s likely you’re still adjusting to the news and possibly the shifting dynamics of your relationship as a result. You might not even consider yourself a carer – instead, you may consider the support you wish to provide as simply an extension of the love you have for them.

There are a number of ways in which you might be supporting a friend or family member with cancer. These might include:

• Medical care – making a list of useful questions to ask at an appointment, advocating for your loved one with doctors and medical staff, helping them deal with symptoms and sickness, helping them organise and keep track of their medication schedule and prescriptions, or attending treatment alongside them.
• Practical support – picking up the slack on practical concerns that might be extra burdensome after a diagnosis, such as preparing meals for them, helping with cleaning their home or minding their children or pets, driving them to appointments and treatments or arranging disability support.
• Emotional support – taking on the emotional burden of communicating with your loved one’s wider network, providing a listening ear and words of encouragement when they are worried or overwhelmed, distracting them with conversations that don’t revolve around cancer and making sure they know that you’re ready to stand by them no matter what.
• Legal and financial matters – handling the administrative tasks of applying for financial assistance, organising and paying bills, arranging for visits with a lawyer or financial adviser to navigate end-of-life wishes or wills.

Finding out someone you love has cancer can be a huge shock, no matter how you find out. It’s normal to have any number of emotional reactions including grief, anger, helplessness, fear, anxiety, dread and sadness.

While it’s important not to make your emotions about their diagnosis their problem, it is just as important to make sure you’re getting the help you need, particularly when you may very quickly find supporting a friend or loved one with cancer becomes a full-time job.

It’s not selfish or trivial to care for yourself as you find yourself supporting a loved one with cancer. The sooner you can put support structures in place for yourself, the better you will be able to provide support for your friend or family member. Looking after yourself might include:

• Accessing cancer support groups for partners and family members
• Accessing one-on-one counselling for family members of cancer patients
• Making sure you’re eating nutritious meals, remembering to eat, and trying to prioritise exercise when you can
• Checking in with people in your support network regularly and letting them support you
• Asking for help and understanding your own limitations and boundaries so you can maintain the level of support you want to provide

Explaining cancer to a young child can feel daunting. When Mitzy the Foggle Got Cancer has been written and designed in collaboration with psychologist Joanna Mangan and identifies the importance of talking to children about cancer in a way that is age appropriate, hopeful, and honest. The story is research-based and crafted to ensure children feel comfortable asking questions and voicing their feelings, while encouraging emotional resilience.

Going through cancer can be a very long process, and in some cases, there may not be a clear end point or outcome in sight. Because of this, adapting to the ‘new normal’ of supporting a friend with cancer is important. Here are some coping strategies that might help:

Carving out some time in your life that isn’t dedicated to thinking about or dealing with cancer is vital, as difficult as it might be. Here are some ways you might do this: